Philosopher John Corvino (Wayne State) kindly invited me to share this funny item:

“How Do You Solve A Problem Like My Vita?”

(To the tune of “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria” from The Sound of Music. Written by John Corvino and Thomas Williams during their job-market days, with apologies to Rogers and Hammerstein.)

How do you solve a problem like my vita? How do you find a job that's tenure-track? What should I call myself here on my vita? A metaphysician, an ethicist, a quack? Many an area I've claimed to cover. Making up research goals can be a chore. But if they only knew, the "Papers Under Review," have been rejected sixteen times before . . . Oh, how do you solve a problem like my vita? How do you keep from feeling like a whore?

[Quickly:] At the smoker I feel sick, sipping free beer much too quick, And this polyester suit is getting warm. Unpredictable professors, awkward talkers, tacky dressers: It's the pure apotheosis of bad form. Did my interview go well? From their questions I can't tell. But the chair was looking at me very odd. When he started turning red, I should not have plowed ahead. I'm a moron. I'm a genius. I'm a fraud.

…. How do you solve a problem like my vita? How do I stand out from the current crop? How do I look as a potential colleague? An arrogant jerk, a scatterbrained dork, a flop? What if they ask me how I'd teach aesthetics? How can I fake an interest in Descartes? The salary is poor, the teaching load's 4-4, But at the APA you play the part. Oh, how do you solve a problem like my vita? How do you make a charlatan look smart?